Up Next: The Mummy

Picked up the three-DVD set of The Mummy trilogy a few weeks ago when Deep Discount DVD had one of their 20% off sales. I had seen The Mummy a few years ago, but rewatched it last night.

The review should go up before Friday.

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas to everyone celebrating the holiday today!

Will likely watch a movie later this evening, but have no idea what. Further update tomorrow.

Review: The Marine

Year: 2006
Director: John Bonito
Starring: John Cena, Robert Patrick, Kelly Carlson

Plot
An ex-marine chases criminals who have kidnapped his wife.

Comments
The Marine needs less muscle, more brains. The movie is clearly intended to be a simple, fun, fast-paced action flick, but even with that premise in mind, The Marine suffers from unrealistic action, inane plot holes, and robotic acting.

If you are going to set your movie in the present day, the world should function like the present day, or you should establish early on that this is not the case and then stick to it. Unfortunately, The Marine alters reality in so many ways that it’s hard to accept the otherwise strong action sequences. In one chase scene, the protagonist, John Triton (John Cena), has a car literally destroyed around him, but no bullet ever hits him, and the car continues to plow along at incredible speed. In another scene, one poorly trained man guards millions of dollars in diamonds at a high-end jewelry store. For much of the movie, the criminals, with John Triton’s defiant wife (Kelly Carlson) in tow, plod through a swamp at a snail’s pace; a solitary John Triton starts about 20 minutes behind them, yet runs through the swamp for seemingly hours to catch up with them. Add some insanely huge plot holes (um, why keep Triton’s wife alive?) to this twisted reality and you end up with a series of action sequences supporting the barest of plots.

The script and acting don’t help, either. Great action movies don’t need great scripts or great acting, but they do need sufficient writing and passable acting. The Marine bravely tries to enhance on the simple plot by liberally mixing in some twisted banter among the criminal gang, who constantly argue and joke amongst themselves. Robert Patrick—playing the part of a gang leader with hints of delusional insanity—leads the way here, but unfortunately, he doesn’t quite pull off the act. The rest of the gang is even farther from the mark. John Cena has a Schwarzenegger-type role in the movie; even with minimal acting skills he should be able to suffice. However, he reeks of rawness; this hurts his effectiveness significantly. He’ll need to improve quickly if he wants to follow in Arnold’s footsteps.

All is not lost here, however. The action sequences, as overdone and unrealistic as they are, still can entertain. …From an eye candy perspective, Kelly Carlson is gorgeous and Abigail Bianca makes the best of her looks. With a movie this dumb, though, the director really should have figured out a way to get the two of them in bikinis more often: we’d have noticed the plot bizarreness a lot less. From the female perspective, John Cena is incredibly popular with women, so the movie scores high in the hunks factor. …The pacing is fair. The movie doesn’t bog down at any point, even in the swamp. …The final confrontation was an effective, culminating action sequence.

All in all, though, the movie doesn’t make it above a 50, as the weaknesses overpower the action sequences.

Best Other Movie Reference
During one chase scene, the criminals pump round after round into John Cena’s unstoppable car. One of the criminals comments, “This guy’s like the Terminator!” The camera flashes to gang leader Robert Patrick glaring back in the rear view mirror. Nicely done! Robert Patrick was the Terminator in Terminator II! The line and the look were executed perfectly, and the theater audience laughed out loud.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt; Score
Pace: 54
Plot: 12
Action: 57
Consistent Premise: 15
Script/Quotes: 24
Characters: 27
Acting: 24
Villain: 41
Body Count: 58
Time to First Dead Body: very fast
Babes: 62
Hunks: 84
Explosions: 65
Special Effects: 40
Stunts: 30
Ending: 52

Overall: 40 (Disposable)

Next Up: The Marine

Hopes for Eragon being an above average movie were unfounded. My slump continues, as I’ve now reviewed four consecutive sub-50 movies.

I’m a bit numb to bad acting now, so this might be the gentlest time for me to convert my notes from a previous viewing of The Marine into a full review. No secret here, the Marine will be the fifth consecutive review that scores below 50.

After this one, I really must find something towards the top end. Suggestions are welcome.

The Marine should go up before Monday.

Review: Eragon

Year: 2006
Director: Stefen Fangmeier
Starring: Edward Speleers, Jeremy Irons, Sienna Guillory

Plot
A young boy, Eragon, bonds with a dragon, gets hunted by enemies, and then leads rebels in battle against an evil king’s forces.

Comments
Eragon lacks charisma. It never takes risks, never breaks outside of its derivative box. I’m all for formulaic action movies with simple plots, but if you take that route with an action movie, carry it off with vigor and panache. Eragon fumbles the ball in all the critical categories: the dull acting, bland script, poor character development, and generic story drain the life out of the movie. Even an impressive dragon and a fair climactic battle can’t rescue it.

As a caveat, your experience may be different if you’ve read the book. Keep in mind that this review is coming from someone who knows nothing about the novel.

The movie does have some high points. Visually, the dragon (Saphira) is excellently done. She moves well, looks great, and is clearly a solid positive in the film. With regards to characterization, however, the dragon disappoints for two reasons: voice and face. It’s not so much that Rachel Weisz, the voice actor, does a poor job; it’s more that her voice doesn’t fit with the dragon. Weisz’s voice is flat, regal, and maternal. This makes Saphira more of a mentor to rather than a partner of Eragon. Her voice weakens the dragon’s characterization, the relationship between rider and mount, and the entire movie. On top of this, Saphira’s facial gestures are cold and distant. This makes it hard to empathize with the dragon in the movie. You have to work to care about her.

Which is exactly what I found myself doing throughout the movie: working to care about anything. Good action movies grab you and sweep you along. Eragon never does that. The only place I found myself intrigued with the movie was during the final battle, which includes a well done, two-dragon dogfight. But even the battle ends abruptly with the end of the dogfight, and the viewer is left again with the feeling that something is lacking.

There are other problems as well. The acting was uninspired. John Malkovich as the evil king was surprisingly clunky. The rest of the cast scowl and deliver their stereotypical lines with with effort but little impact. Again, you have to keep telling yourself to focus on the movie.

Pacing is fair, but slow. The waiter at Applebee’s mistakenly brought me a second 24-ounce beer before the movie—which of course I drank—so I ended up going to the bathroom twice during the movie. Both times, when I came back after five minutes and asked my friend what I missed, he could summarize things with one or two words, usually involving things like “nothing” or “not much”.

With regards to babes and hunks, I did like the lithe Guillory as Arya, and I’m guessing that Speleers, who beat out 180,000 hopefuls to land the part, is fairly attractive to the female persuasion. Otherwise, the eye candy in this movie is weak.

In conclusion, 48 ounces of beer weren’t enough to help this movie. The negatives outnumber the positives, and a miscast voice and weak facial expressions on the dragon’s part drag down an otherwise impressive creature. Such a pity.

Score
Pace: 35
Plot: 38
Action: 50
Consistent Premise: 72
Script/Quotes: 17
Characters: 8
Acting: 14
Villain: 22
Body Count:43
Time to First Dead Body: not sure
Babes: 38
Hunks: 47
Explosions: 28
Special Effects: 58
Ending: 49