Review: Tarzan and the Lost City

Year: 1998
Director: Carl Schenkel
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Jane March, Steven Waddington

Plot
Tarzan tries to stop raiders from pillaging the lost city of Opaa.

Comments
Like our previously reviewed Starship Troopers 2, I had never heard of Tarzan and the Lost City when I found it one night in the unwanted videos pile at my local Hollywood Video, on sale for one dollar. Also like Starship Troopers 2, there was good reason I had never heard of the movie, and good reason it was in the one-dollar bin. Tarzan and the Lost City, if you can stay awake for it, is instantly forgettable.

Much like a Bond movie, a Tarzan movie is going to succeed or fail on the lead role. Casper Van Dien, who plays Tarzan, is handsome and well built, with a winning smile. You’d think he’d make a perfect Tarzan. But he lacks any primitive, elemental ferocity. What you end up with appears to be a college athlete running around in the jungle. It just doesn’t feel like Tarzan.

In that same vein, the entire movie never captures any of the raw power and majesty of natural Africa. This is a remarkable achievement in incompetence, considering that Tarzan and the Lost City is the first Tarzan film shot entirely in Africa. Everything feels as if it’s done on a Hollywood set. About halfway through the 84-minute movie, I was certain that the movie must have been a low-budget, made-for-TV film. It has much the same feel to it as Hercules and the Amazon Women.

Were these the only problems with the film, it would still have a chance. However, Tarzan and the Lost City is a lifeless, sloppy movie. Action scenes lack any velocity. Acting lacks conviction. The plot is a straight line from point A to point B. Pace is fair, but the movie never generates any speed. The ending sputters, as Tarzan plays a secondary role to African magic and a nasty booby trap. Visual effects are cheesy, even for a movie nine years old.

The plot is also filled with so many holes, and no sort of a premise is ever established. It’s a mess. Some examples…

Jane, Tarzan’s fiancé, follows Tarzan to Africa. They get together, but when trouble starts brewing, Jane realizes that she is getting in Tarzan’s way, and offers to leave. However, the Bad Guys have sunk the one riverboat that would allow her an exit. Tarzan and Jane learn of this when they are in a tribal village of Tarzan’s friends. Logically, you’d expect Tarzan to leave Jane in the village for safety, but of course this doesn’t happen. Doing so would take Jane out of the movie! Instead, Tarzan brilliantly decides to take Jane with him on a deadly journey across the wilds of Africa to overtake the Bad Guys.

There are plenty more examples. An entire line of Bad Guys accidentally slide down a cave tunnel trap, one right after the other, like lemmings. … Nigel Ravens, the Head Bad Guy, alternates between compulsively trying to kill Tarzan and focusing exclusively on finding the lost city. … Tarzan falls into a pool of water right behind a dozen Bad Guys, but no one hears him land. … A box of dynamite falls in a pool of water without getting wet. … Jane amazingly keeps up with Tarzan as they march through the jungle. … Even stupider is the scene in which Ravens decides to blow up Jane, but I won’t ruin all the fun for you, and it would take about two paragraphs to list everything that happens in this inexplicably goofy scene.

All is not lost, however. There are a few things to like about the movie. As mentioned, the handsome Von Dien helps with the eye candy. … Jane March is also quite cute as Jane. They don’t do much with her, and she seems lost in her role, but yes, she is cute. … Let’s see, what else? Oh, yes. You get to see some wild animals, which the kiddies will like.

In a way, the movie does somehow overcome its weaknesses to exude a sort of goofy, pleasant charm, much like an sloppy uncle who visits your home, eats all your chips and chocolate, but tells an occasional funny story. This movie is poor enough in spots that it becomes entertaining, and has enough mildly interesting scenes scattered around to avoid degenerating into an annoying catastrophe.

In conclusion, Tarzan and the Lost City is watchable if you are a fan of cheesy movies, or if you want to show your kids a family-oriented Tarzan movie. Just come with low expectations, and be sure to caffeinate yourself heavily before viewing. Assuming you want to stay awake, that is.

Score
Pace: 50
Plot: 36
Action: 30
Consistent Premise: 50
Script/Quotes: 35
Characters: 54
Acting: 37
Villain: 40
Body Count: 21
Time to First Dead Body: 57 minutes, 20 seconds
Babes: 57
Hunks: 79
Explosions: 15
Special Effects: 23
Stunts: 27
Ending: 32

Overall: 36 (Needs Caffeine)

Poll: The Next Conan?

Who would you like to see play Conan in a new Conan movie? Click on the name in the poll box to the right. If you’d like information/photos on any of the candidates, I’ve linked their names to their IMDB biographies:

Arnold Schwarzengger
Dwayne Johnson (The Rock)
Michael Bailey Smith
Roland Kickinger

Although this makes Conan purists cringe, I think Dwayne Johnson (The Rock) would make a great Conan. His acting skills are better than many give him credit for (and much better than Arnold’s). He’s in fantastic condition and very athletic. He’s got the look as well. Arnold is getting a bit old for this sort of thing, unless you went with a King Conan movie, which I think would be a mistake. Michael Bailey Smith came in second to Arnold on the Conan forum’s poll, but he’s just shy of 50 years old as well. Roland Kickinger looks to be an interesting possibility, but can he act, and is he athletic enough?

New Conan Movie Suffers Setback

On June 13, 2007, Paradox Entertainment (Sweden), holders of the rights to the Conan the Barbarian franchise, announced that the rights to make a new Conan movie have been taken back from Warner Brothers, after the movie production company failed to start production on a Conan film within the allotted time frame. Here is the official press release (in Swedish).

Just last month there was an announcement that Warner Brothers had named Rick Alexander to produce the film, and I had a glimmer of hope that the film would actually be released during its target year of 2008. With this setback, it looks like things are back to the drawing board and a new Conan movie has no momentum. The Paradox press release states that it is looking for a new licensee to produce a Conan movie.

Up Next: Tarzan and the Lost City

Found this one in the dollar bin at a local Hollywood Video store. I gave it a look this evening, and hope to post my review in the next couple of days.

Review: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Year: 1969
Director: Peter Hunt
Starring: George Lazenby, Diana Rigg, Telly Savalas, Gabriele Ferzetti
Kaboom Review Action Movie Rating: 62

Plot
James Bond hunts down Ernst Blofeld, head of SPECTRE, and falls in love with a countess in the process.

Quick Review
I liked Lazenby and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service more than I thought I would. The film overcomes its goofiness, a diminished Bond, and an irregular pace. The action, acting, script, and overall cohesion of the movie make this an enjoyable, if not rather long, Bond movie.

Full Review
Sean Connery defined the role of James Bond during the series’ first five films. By the end of the fifth film, he wanted to move on to other things. Enter George Lazenby, in Her Majesty’s Secret Service, to replace him. I had never seen this film before, but had been led to believe that Lazenby played Bond poorly. Although I can say that he is no Sean Connery, Lazenby does a passable job as Bond, and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service entertained me more than I thought it would.

The success of a James Bond film hinges on the lead role, so let’s start with that. Lazenby has quite a few of the Bond characteristics: great looks, superb athleticism, and a cavalier calmness in the face of danger. Lazenby apparently clinched the role as James Bond because of how well he did in the fighting portion of the audition; in this aspect he clearly exceeds Connery. Lazenby’s athleticism in the fight scenes gives them power and violence beyond that of the Connery fight scenes.

However, Lazenby ultimately falls short as Bond for two reasons: voice and mood. Lazenby mumbles and swallows his words. His voice lacks that electric punch that Connery has. At times, I struggled to even catch what Lazenby said. At other times he comes across as pleading and flat. Second, Lazenby often appears comical instead of witty and charming. His smile doesn’t fit Bond, and taints his interpretation of the character with a clownish edge.

To be fair, part of this is due to the clownish role Bond is assigned in the middle of the movie: he goes under cover as a Sir Hillary Bray, from the College of Arms, to meet Ernst Blofeld, the head of SPECTRE. During this lengthy portion of the movie, Lazenby wears a kilt and plays an effeminate Bond, one who is afraid of guns and gets seasick after a helicopter ride to Blofeld’s mountaintop “research institute”. This portion of the movie drags interminably, and although there are some mildly entertaining Bond antics with several of Blofeld’s clinic’s beautiful patients, on the whole the movie stalls here. This is not James Bond.

In other places, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service suffers from general dopiness. The evil Blofeld’s plan, for example, is a candidate for Stupidest Plan Ever. I was laughing too hard to catch all the details, but the gist of it is this: Blofeld will kill off specific strains of animals with a super virus unless the world’s governments pay him exorbitant amounts of cash. So far so good, you might say. But get this: he will launch the diseases by unleashing his Angels of Death. These are allergy patients at his clinic who he has hypnotized by playing tapes into their rooms while they are sleeping. He will then release these guests back to their home countries with disease kits designed to look like cosmetic kits. Inside is a radio transceiver that the Angels have been hypnotized to turn on every evening at midnight for instructions. Too funny. Even funnier is the line that starts the evening hypnotism session: “I’ve taught you to love chickens, to love their flesh, their voice.” Great stuff! At times I had to look at my DVD jacket to see if I hadn’t mistakenly inserted an Austin Powers DVD.

This goofiness aside, however, I did find myself enjoying On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. There are a lot of things to like. The action scenes are plentiful and generally entertaining. We’ve got ski chases, car races, bobsled battles, and a climatic battle towards the end of the movie. Fight scenes are well shot and athletic. There are some enjoyable stunts in here, too, especially if you like snow.

The story, on a larger scale, is acceptable. The pace, though quite deliberate and slow in the middle, keeps chugging along. I liked the unique and controversial ending to the film as well. The script has some bright moments, and overall is above average. The acting works, even considering Lazenby’s weaknesses. In this regard, Diana Rigg, as Bond woman Tracy Di Vincenzo, does a particularly charismatic job. Telly Savalas, as Ernst Blofeld, does enough as the main villain to not severely damage the film.

Regarding babes and hunks, I’m ambivalent towards Diana Rigg. Her looks and physique range from plain to somewhat attractive. My wife, who watched a portion of the film, saw her and said, “What? She’s a Bond woman? She’s ugly.” I wouldn’t go that far, but you get the point. Physically, she almost borders on unacceptable. However, she brings a verve, swagger, and edge to her character that fits perfectly. She consistently steals her scenes, and brings some welcome life to the film. At these times, she amply overcomes her physical limits and seems perfect as a Bond girl. Kudos! There are also Blofeld’s Angels of Death, the dozen or so beautiful allergy patients staying at his clinic. In a 1960’s sort of way, they add some appeal to the film. As for hunks, we’ve got Lazenby, who certainly has the looks, but lacks that certain something to carry the film to a higher hunk rating. Gabrielle Ferzetti gets a nod for adding some elder elegance to the film.

In conclusion, I liked Lazenby and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service more than I thought I would. The film overcomes its goofiness, a diminished Bond, and an irregular pace. The action, acting, script, and overall cohesion of the movie make this an enjoyable, if not rather long, Bond movie.

Interesting Fact
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service had about half the domestic (USA) box office sales of You Only Live Twice, the previous Bond film, and about one-third those of Thunderball, the highest domestic box office James Bond film.

Score
Pace: 48
Plot: 43
Action: 65
Consistent Premise: 62
Script/Quotes: 60
Characters: 63
Acting: 52
Villain: 42
Body Count: 40
Time to First Dead Body: 1 hour, 22 minutes
Babes: 61
Hunks: 73
Explosions: 45
Special Effects: 25
Stunts: 73
Ending: 80