Up Next: Live and Let Die
Back to Bond! In line with reviewing the entire Bond collection of movies, last night I watched Live and Let Die, the first Bond movie to star Roger Moore as James Bond.
I hope to post the review sometime in the next day or so.
Review: Conan the Destroyer
Year: 1984
Director: Richard Fleischer
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Mako, Tracey Walter, Olivia d’Abo, Pat Roach
Kaboom Review Action Movie Rating: 28
Plot
Conan unwittingly gets embroiled in a plot to bring the god Dagoth to life.
Quick Review
Conan the Destroyer is a flat, plodding, uninspiring movie that has the distinction of killing off the Conan film series for nearly a quarter century.
Full Review
The first Conan movie, Conan the Barbarian (1982), started the series off with a distinct thud. Conan the Destroyer, released two years after the original, was a desperate attempt to get the series on track. Unfortunately, it failed miserably. In many ways, Conan the Destroyer is worse than the crappy original movie.
On almost every level, Conan the Destroyer flops as an action movie. The most glaring problem with this movie is the acting, which is clunky, unconvincing, and at times downright painful. Physically, Arnold Schwarzenegger makes for a perfect Conan. Emotionally, he never gets into a comfort zone with his character. The Conan of Robert E. Howard’s novels is crafty, 
intelligent, and quick-witted. Schwarzenegger, however, plays Conan like a stereotypical dumb jock. Gone is the energy, charisma, and hard intelligence of the novel’s character. This would be fine if the movie’s interpretation of Conan improved on the original, but it doesn’t. In every sense this interpretation of Conan lessens the character and makes it hard to empathize. It’s like trying to care about a rhino.
Schwarzennegger gets abysmal help in the movie, which only makes things worse. Tracey Walter, as Conan’s sidekick thief Malak, deserves particular mention as the worst supporting actor. His twangy voice is annoying and his comical cowardice is anything but funny. The rest of the cast doesn’t reach to Walter’s lows, but they are still mechanical and somnolent. Basketball star Wilt Chamberlain, in his one and only film role, is brutally robotic. Mako, as the sorcerer Akiro, sounds like he’s taking a dump every time he casts a spell. His weak role as the film’s occasional narrator is equally bland. Olivia d’Abo, who gets some points for having a last name that starts with a lowercase letter, is uninspiring as Princess Jehnna. Pat Roach, who plays the villainous sorcerer Thoth Amon, comes across more like a lecherous drunk than he does an evil wizard. The only exception to this mess is perhaps Grace Jones, who plays the warrior Zula. Although she randomly screams war cries for much of the movie, she brings an athletic vitality and badly need energy to the cast.
The script, pacing, and story don’t help the cast much help either. Good action can often obscure a poor script, but the 
script in Conan the Destroyer is so bad that it grates on you. It is instantly forgettable. The story, which is faithful to the Robert Jordan Conan novel of the same name, fares a bit better, as does the movie’s ability to stick to the premise. Also, the movie does move along at a decent pace. These modest accomplishments can’t rescue the film however.
The decent action in the first Conan movie saved it to a degree. In Conan the Destroyer, however, the action further weakens the movie. The fight scenes have little zip and little variety. The visual effects are cheesy, even for a film made in 1984. Nowhere is the cheesy nature of this action more apparent than in Conan’s battles with the man-ape Thoth Amon and the god Dagoth. I have Halloween costumes that look more realistic than the man-ape. The combat in this scene is more reminiscent of professional wrestling than it is of two combatants fighting to the death. With the final battle against the god Dagoth, I felt like I was watching an old Godzilla scene from the 1960’s. Yes, these scenes are that bad.
Sadly, Conan the Destroyer’s one saving grace is that it’s so bad that it becomes quite comical at times. I caught myself laughing out loud during the fight scenes with the monsters and during some of the wonderfully absurd dialogs. Watching characters simulate bowel movements to cast spells is good for a few chuckles too. This movie comes very close to being so bad that it’s good.
You’d think that a Conan movie could get a lot of Babe and Hunk points, but Conan the Destroyer largely misses the mark here as well. Babe-wise, scantily clad Grace Jones is a compelling physical specimen, but I find her a bit manly for my tastes. Olivia d’Abo is pleasant enough, but it’s hard to get past her insipid acting. From a hunk perspective, we’ve got Arnold flexing and Wilt Chamberlain having a bad hair day. Arnold is in a good spot in his career from a physical standpoint; he helps the hunk rating considerably.
In the end, Conan the Destroyer is a viewing experience with little punch. This film is a flat, plodding, uninspiring movie that has the distinction of killing off the Conan movie line for nearly a quarter century.
Fun Fact
For her dismal role as Princess Jehnna, Olivia d’Abo got a Razzie Award for “Worst New Star of 1984”.
Related Reviews
Conan the Barbarian
Score
Pace: 52
Plot: 63
Action: 27
Consistent Premise: 77
Script/Quotes: 22
Characters: 47
Acting: 23
Villain: 35
Body Count: 23
Time to First Dead Body: 4 minutes, 53 seconds
Babes: 40
Hunks: 63
Explosions: 17
Special Effects: 12
Stunts: 42
Ending: 48
Overall: 28 (So bad it can occasionally be funny)
Technorati Tags: Conan the Destroyer, movie review, action movie, film, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Wilt Chamberlain, Mako, Olivia d’Abo, Robert E. Howard, Tracey Walter
Carnival of Cinema, Episode XXXIX
Our Diamonds Are Forever review is featured in this week’s Carnival of Cinema, hosted over at Nehring the Edge.
The weekly Carnival always has links to interesting film articles and reviews. Highly recommended.
Up Next: Conan the Destroyer
A few months ago, I reviewed the underwhelming Conan the Barbarian. Last night, I took some time to rewatch the second and final film in the series, Conan the Destroyer. I hope to post my review sometime over the weekend.
Review: Starship Troopers
Year: 1997
Director: Paul Verhoeven
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer, Denise Richards, Michael Ironside, Neil Patrick Harris
Kaboom Review Action Movie Rating: 65
Plot
Humans battle bugs in space.
Quick Review
Starship Troopers is a tricky film to get a handle on. On one hand, it has dazzling special effects, gritty combat, and thrilling action scenes. On the other hand, it has some atrocious acting from Denise Richards, a tortuous start, and some premise bending plot contrivances. Your opinion of this movie will depend on which aspect of the film you focus on. For me, the back half of the film was a visual treat that in many ways overcomes the slow first half and the film’s other negatives.
Full Review
Normally, I’d start a review with some sort of introduction, but I can’t wait to get this out: How on Earth does anyone cast Denise Richards as an intelligent woman, and how on Earth does she get major roles in films? Sure, she’s plenty attractive, but let’s face it: she can’t act! In Starship Troopers, she slaughters her role as the supposedly intelligent space pilot Carmen Ibanez. I can’t find words to describe how bad she is, but I can tell you that she makes Cindy Crawford in 
Fair Game and Eva Mendes in Ghost Rider look positively brilliant. This wouldn’t be so bad if they limited her role, or dressed her in skimpy clothing so we’d have something to look at while she pretends to act, but in Starship Troopers she’s all over the film, and she displays only scant sensuality. Such a waste of her beauty, and such a shame to drag down this film with her awful acting.
Elsewhere, the acting in Starship Troopers is spotty but many levels above that of Richards. Prompted by a hackneyed script that pulls the film to the edge of cult status, the acting definitely gets cheesy at times. Nevertheless, Casper Van Dien, in the lead role as Johnny Rico, is fair enough. He gets some respectable support from Michael Ironside (as Rico’s Lieutenant), and some downright solid support from sultry Dina Meyer (a fellow mobile infantry soldier). Neil Patrick Harris and Jake Busey stumble through their supporting roles, but are acceptable when positioned with Denise Richards.
In addition to the mood-killing Richards, there are other problems with Starship Troopers. Interspersed in the film are news clips that add a narrative element on the war against the bugs. Strangely, these are more parodies than they are serious additions to the film. As such, they don’t fit in the movie at all. The humor in them is forced, the purpose they serve unknown, and their overall effect on the movie is to dull the edge from the gritty combat and excellent action. I just can’t figure out why they added this element to the film. The film gains nothing from these scenes.
Also, Starship Troopers has pacing problems. The first 50 minutes of the film drags interminably as it sets up the background story to the main characters. We even get a hilariously stupid future football game to enjoy. While I appreciate the attempt to establish some complexity to the relationships in the movie, most of this background plays an insignificant part in the film. As a result, the movie for the first 50 minutes feels like it’s treading water.
Even when the film does get going, it has some obvious problems with its premise and story. Most noticeably, all of the characters keep meeting by chance. This is supposed to be a huge war in a huge galaxy, with millions of participants, yet somehow all of the main characters keep bumping into each other as if there are only a hundred people in the universe. It’s just a bit hard to swallow. There are other goofy spots as well. At one point, Carmen Ibanez gets skewered by a bug (I cheered!), but only minutes later is walking around and smiling as if she got bit by no more than a mosquito (I got depressed). Also, for a future combat force, the Mobile Infantry seems woefully supported. In the Starship Troopers book, combatants have armor suits and high-tech weaponry. In the movie, there is a distinct balance problem with the weapons and armor. There is little to fill the gap between automatic weapons and rare nuclear rocket launchers. I understand that it makes for great action if troops shot bugs from close quarters, but the movie would have been much better if they had included more believable armaments. Lastly, it’s worth noting that the movie’s ending feels incomplete, as a final resolution is left on the table.
Having said all this, Starship Troopers does redeem itself in many ways due to its phenomenal special effects and riveting action sequences. Once you get through the slow first half of the movie, the second half of the movie is a visual treat for action fans. For a 1997 movie, the visual effects are stunning, and hold up very well over time. Bugs are vicious, combat is gory, and the pacing over the last hour is solid. This is not a movie for those with a queasy stomach, though. Bugs dismember bodies, blood splatters around, and people die in gruesome fashion. Starship Troopers was released before R ratings were avoided, and it proudly wears its R rating. The scenes in space are excellent as well. Spaceships are detailed, explode with great fanfare, and move believably. One has to wonder, though, why all the ships would bunch so close together when they get attacked, but it does make for a grand spectacle.
As for the Babes and Hunks, Starship Troopers is both good and bad. Denise Richards was clearly added for the eye candy element, but the movie does little to work with her beauty. Dina Meyer, on the other hand, is quite hot in this movie, and the film’s R rating shows you more of her than you would expect in a more modern film. From a Hunk perspective, Casper Van Dien is strikingly handsome, but there isn’t much else notable.
All in all, Starship Troopers is a tricky film to get a handle on. On one hand, it has dazzling special effects, gritty combat, and thrilling action scenes. On the other hand, it has some atrocious acting from Denise Richards, a tortuous start, and some premise bending plot contrivances. Your opinion of this movie will depend on which aspect of the film you focus on. For me, the back half of the film was a visual treat that in many ways overcomes the slow first half and the film’s other negatives.
Interesting Fact
According to IMDB, some of the news scenes of the destruction of Buenos Aires are taken from footage from the Oakland hill fires of 1991.
Score
Pace: 58
Plot: 32
Action: 86
Consistent Premise: 48
Script/Quotes: 41
Characters: 36
Acting: 38
Villain: 89
Body Count: 92
Time to First Dead Body: 1 minute, 46 seconds
Babes: 73
Hunks: 76
Explosions: 88
Special Effects: 91
Stunts: 52
Ending: 46
Overall: 65
Technorati Tags: Starship Troopers, movie review, action film, action movie, sci-fi, Casper Van Dien, Dina Meyer, Denise Richards, Michael Ironside, Neil Patrick Harris
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