Review: The Avengers

avengers_cover.jpgYear: 1998
Director: Jeremiah S. Chechik
Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery
Kaboom Review Action Movie Rating: 14

Two British agents attempt to stop the head of a weather controlling company from destroying the world with his weather altering machines.

Quick Review
Simply put: annoyingly awful, and our current leader for Worst Action Movie of Alltime.

Full Review
The Avengers was originally created as a two-and-a-half hour movie, but it bombed in test screenings. Subsequently, an hour was chopped out of the movie prior to release. In this way, the making of the The Avengers is similar to the Mercy Rule in Little League baseball, which states that if a team is hopelessly losing by 10 runs or more at the end of an inning, the other team is declared the winners and everyone can go home early. In the Avengers, avengers_uma_thurman.jpgthe producers must have looked at an irreparable 150-minute mess of a movie, and figured the best thing to do was just to lop off 40% of it so at least everyone would suffer a lot less.

Why stop there, I wonder? The producers could have made The Avengers substantially better by cutting out another 80 minutes or so. Then you would have only wasted 10 minutes of your life in viewing it. Simply put, this movie is awful, and my opinion isn’t influenced by comparisons to the television series of the same name.

I’m going to skimp on describing the negatives, but take my word for it, for every one I mention there are another dozen or so. First, the story limps, stumbles, and plods along like a drunken grandma. There are so many plot holes and confusing scenes that it almost seems as if an hour of the movie is missing. Oh, wait, that’s right, there is an hour of the movie missing!

But even filling in that missing hour would not have helped, because the existing content is so boring. Uma Thurman and Ralph Fiennes play the roles of the Avengers, and they try to recapture the spirit of the original show. However, the script lacks energy and they lack both chemistry and delivery; the resultant dialog is painful to endure and totally fails to recapture any of the wit that made the television series popular. You’d think that Sean Connery could help the movie in this regard, but his character is poorly directed and inconsistently delivered.

avengers2.jpgIn action movies, if you have crappy acting and a mind-numbing plot, at least you can dazzle us with some special effects and great action, but The Avengers fails here as well. There is one good scene where massive mechanical bees chase the Avengers fleeing by car, and the final confrontation will at least not put you sleep. You might not make it that far, however: I watched this movie with a friend, and he was fast asleep by the 30-minute mark, snoring at the 60-minute mark, and fell into a coma before the ending. He’s still on an intravenous support on our sofa. You can see in the nearby screen shot that the same thing happened to Uma Thurman while she was making the movie. Viewers beware.

Having failed with story, acting, and action, the only hope for The Avengers would have been to add lots of buxom women and dashing men, but all they give us is Uma Thurman in leather, a mumbling Ralph Fiennes, and a waning Sean Connery. Put a bag on Uma’s head and you might have something, but barring that, this movie fails on all counts.

Simply put: annoyingly awful, and our current leader for Worst Action Movie of Alltime.

Fun Fact
Uma is the Japanese word for “horse”.

Pace: 14
Plot: 8
Action: 26
Consistent Premise: 11
Script/Quotes: 23
Characters: 18
Acting: 19
Villain: 26
Body Count: 17
Time to First Dead Body: unsure
Babes: 21
Hunks: 27
Explosions: 33
Special Effects: 29
Stunts: 20
Ending: 34

Overall: 14 (Give it to Someone you Hate)

[tags]The Avengers, movie review, action movie, film, Jeremiah S. Chechik, Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery[/tags]

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